So lately, mostly to pass the time on my 90 minute commute to work (and 90 minutes home to The Fiance), I have been thinking of ways to make this upcoming season of Jake on The Bachelor more interesting. Once, while sandwiched in between two of the most annoying 22 year old traders talking about their weekend of “hot ass,” I thought – hmmm, what would ABC do to hype up their kind of cheesy, extremely wholesome, I drink milk instead of beer kind of Bachelor, Jake. We know there are plenty of ways to draw attention to an otherwise boring episode of The Bachelor. Here’s a list of what ABC will most definitely come up with this season, since all signs point to a somewhat less than exciting adventure ahead for Boy Scout Jake.
1. Plenty of ab shots. You know good ole Jake is probably at the gym at this very moment. While you are reading this. With a trainer. Crunches, push ups, long jogs. Perhaps tomorrow he will be running the beaches of Malibu, shirtless and oiled up – ready for the cameras to catch every muscle in his body as it glistens against the body oil they have lubed him up with. Really, it will be like watching a work of art in motion. Jake is definitely easy on the eyes. It’s once he starts talking that kind of irks me. But, yes, I am still trying to keep an open mind. It’s just bothersome that this guy is getting paid to look good, eat well and work out. We should all get paid to do just that.
2. Hot, Crazy women. To draw in the male viewers, ABC will definitely need to bolster its roster of women pursuing Jake. There will surely be a couple that are models/aspiring actresses posing as “Pharmaceutical Sales Reps” and “Bartenders.” With any luck, there will be at least 5-8 women that are absolutely insane. They will form allies and start badmouthing each other as soon as they can wake up in the morning and put on enough makeup to feel ok in front of the cameras. This is usually my favorite part of the show. There will also be no lack of bikini and hot tub scenes. This has practically become a requirement of every episode.
3. The Pilot in Jake. You know ABC is going to play up Jake’s sexy side - meaning, the fact that he’s a pilot, is good looking and thinks of himself as the perfect gentleman. This has already been proven in the cheesy teasers for the season that ABC has already put out: "On the wings of love??" Come on, that makes me cringe! We’re going to see a bunch of “Awww gosh” moments from Jake. He’s the “nice guy” who always finishes last, remember? We’re supposed to root for him and hope he hits a homerun in the bottom of the ninth with two outs in the World Series. He’s the All-American, good looking, smart, professional guy who got his heart broken last season. He was honorable in coming back to warn Jillian about Wes – or was he? That’s what ABC will tell you to think.
4. Chris Harrison funny moments. I like Chris. But to keep this season interesting, he’s going to have to up his game a little bit. No more, “Ladies. Jake. This is the last rose…” moments or “Should you choose to forego your individual rooms, you are invited to stay together as a couple in our fantasy suite” cards being handed out on the fantasy overnight dates. We need originality. Something to spice it up. Let’s see what you got, Chris.
5. Shocking Moments. Oh ABC, we’re already on to you. We know you’re going to tease us with glimpses into the season of “crazy stalkers” and “crying fits.” Perhaps an ambulance or two and oh yes, wait for it, wait for it – Jake in tears! You know it’s coming. We’re better than that, ABC. All we really want is a wonderful, powerful romance. All encompassing, long lasting love. Something along the passion we see between Bella, Edward and Jake in the Twilight series. Can you deliver this, ABC??
With all of this said, I have developed a game for all of you Bachelor followers out there (if there are any left). It’s a “if all else fails and the season really sucks” way to stay alert and remain interested throughout the show and season when it may seem impossible.
Here’s how it works:
Each week, I will watch the show to see how many times each of the above mentioned activities take place. There will be a certain amount of points allotted per each instance (for things we like to see, there will be positive points). For things we hated seeing and want to discourage, we will assign negative points. Then we will add up the points (the negatives against the positives) and keep this tally going episode to episode. At the end of the season, we will see whether this season will land in the positives (did ABC do their job??) or in the negatives (why do I watch this show?). Along the way, I will ask you, the viewers, to comment on anything you liked or hated, or anything I may have forgotten. I have left you a column to keep track of any of these events.
Points shall be assigned as followed (click on the chart below to view on larger screen, then click on it again to make it bigger):
To make it even more interesting, there will be a window of 20 points (10 positive, and 10 negative) for the BEST of the BEST comments that you, the viewers, come up with as well. These could be for things like “I can’t stand the way Jake talks out of the side of his mouth” – negative 2! It can also include things like, “Kelly Bachelorette snuck into Jake’s room after he came back from an overnight date with Betsy Bachelorette. How sneaky, Kelly – plus 3!”Alright, Bachelor fans. There you have it. I hope this will keep you somewhat interested in the show. Let’s start counting down the days until the premiere. Woo hooo!!!
