Ali Quits Justin Cold Turkey

If you were somehow lucky enough to avoid all of the spoilers out this season revealing what happened on this week’s episode, you must have been shocked by the Justin showdown. Justin is being portrayed as the worst villain of all time. Some of you think the whole scenario was set up by ABC from the beginning. That they “cast” Justin to add some drama to this otherwise, genuine, fun, and drama free group of guys (once we got rid of a couple of bad eggs). I’d believe it. I don’t think that Ali actually knew what was going on though (her hair was way too messy when Chris H confronted her), and I have to say, this girl has nerves of steel. Ali’s character grew leaps and bounds last night as we were able to witness her confront Justin in front of the others, then watch appalled as he ran away from the Grand Hyatt Istanbul suite, hopping over bushes, without a word of explanation. It was a pretty awesome escape scene. A+ to Ali for holding it together enough to 1) not cry 2) tell us once again how much she has given up to come on this show and 3) make Justin look like the biggest liar since Rozlyn.

Here are some of my questions about this whole scandal, and then I will happily put it to rest so that Rated-R doesn’t get any more attention than he deserves: how did Jessie find out about this? Did she know Justin’s girlfriend before or did Jessica find her in a Bachelor chat room? Why did it take her 5 rings to the answer the phone? Where is her dog whose life she swore on that she saw Rozlyn making out in the stairwell of the mansion with the producer last season? Is Jessica going to stay with Justin once this show is over or will the alluded to other woman that Justin was supposedly with for 2 months before he went onto the show be too much for Jessica to handle? And more importantly, how come Jessie is the one who is always involved in calling out scandalous things on this show? Could it be that ABC gave her this info because she happens to be one of the contestants on the upcoming Bachelor Pad show? It seems just a little too convenient and scripted.

ABC must have been very angry with Justin (or at least pretended to be), because playing those voicemail messages as the cameras followed Justin out the door was pretty awesome, and clearly contradicted everything that he said. According to the voicemail messages, he was always in love with Jessica, wanted to marry her and felt this way as recently as Iceland. I wonder how the show got access to those voicemail messages.  Chris Harrison reveals on his blog that while they do take away the guys' cell phones during the show, Justin was making his calls to Jessica via the toilet phones at the hotel suites where they stayed.  Then he would call up the front desk and tell them to erase those calls from the bill.  I guess that system didn't stay so private.   I wonder how soon the show found out about this little scandal, and why they waited for a camera man to fly all the way to Canada so they could tape Jess and Jess before telling Ali the news. That must have wasted at least 24 hours. But whatever, he’s gone. The show will go on. It’s just a shame that Justin couldn’t have been around for the professional olive oil wrestling which he certainly would have had an advantage at. The fact that he managed to deceive some of the guys in the group lends evidence to the fact that he really could have been a hired actor. His bull about how much he respects women because of his mother, that he really was on the show for Ali and how he cried to the guys when his integrity was questioned screams LIAR. What a jerk. Does ABC not do a background check on these guys to make sure they don’t have girlfriends?

Speaking of Canada and all things Canadian, not everything and everyone in that country is scandalous. I am sitting on my commuter train at 7:25 AM with a box of 40 Timbits from Tim Hortons which I have been asked to pick up for a work meeting. I have already consumed 4 of these things and it is taking every ounce of will power not to reach in for more. The guy sitting across from me is staring at my 40 pack box and judging me. He is counting how many I have eaten, I’m sure, secretly hoping I’ll drop one. For all of you that have not had the pleasure of trying a Timbit (the equivalent of a munchkin from Dunkin’ Donuts, but way tastier) you are missing out. Tim Hortons is a Canadian chain of doughnuts and coffee, which rumor has it has more locations in Canada than McDonalds. They have recently taken over a ton of the Dunkin’ Donuts’ locations in NYC. Please take these away from me.

Back to the show. So minus Justin, we are down to 6 in Istanbul, Turkey. What a beautiful city! Once again, I have never traveled to Turkey, but ABC did an incredible job of showcasing some if its finer points. The spice bazaar and all of the old architecture looks incredible. I was a little confused by the Turkish bath date. Mostly because I didn’t see any actual bathing and I have heard that at these baths, a person who works there physically bathes you. The only thing that looked like it was going on at these baths was some massaging given between Ty and Ali and him thanking her repeatedly which made me nauseous. I know I wasn’t alone because I got a text message from a male high school friend of mine who lives in Arizona (his wife forces him to watch, though he loves it) who mentioned how annoyed he was about Ty’s thankfulness. But Ty lays it on thick. He’s falling for Ali. He takes his time going in for the kiss, but eventually gets there. As The Husband said, “He’s a little too enchanted.” Ty is ready to book their honeymoon in Instanbul. He has restored her faith in men.

When it’s dark out and the two of them have dinner together outdoors, we finally hear some real conversation between them. Ali asks him about the reasons behind his divorce and my red flag radar started to go off, when he indicated that it was because his wife wanted to work and he grew up in a more traditional household where his mom stayed at home and raised the kids. RED FLAG. Ali quit the show last season for her job. This does not seem like a good match no matter how much Ty insists that he learned a lot from his experience and now realizes that women have brains too. Good job, Ty. It also seems like Ty has a lot to learn about women in general and maybe he’d be better off dating for a while rather than diving back into a marriage. Don’t get me wrong. Ty seems like a nice person. But he belongs with a Tenley or someone that will have supper on the table and then after she’s done doing the dishes, he can sing to her and their young ‘ins on his guitar.

The group date seemed absolutely absurd. Professional olive oil wrestling? Sounds like a recipe for disaster. It’s a good thing these guys like each other or it could have turned violent. Can you imagine Weatherman and Craig M wrestling against each other? I guess there’s not much else to do in a 15th Century Fortress built during Ottoman empire.

Chris L had some of the best lines (as usual) to describe the olive oil wrestling date:

“There are 4 of them. 4 of us. We’re in a place that looks like arena. I don’t like where this is going.”

"What did you guys do in Turkey? I got naked and wrestled with another man.”

“Usually what I do with olive oil is dip bread in it…”

The Husband says, “This is the most retarded group date ever. Any one of them could have broken their necks.”

It’s a good thing that Craig won the one on one time with Ali, but I could have told you before the group date that he was going home tonight. The two of them have absolutely no chemistry, they have yet to kiss and Ali has absolutely no interest in him. Poor Craig really believes that the feelings he has are mutual. As soon as he teases Ali that he is “5 for 5 with the group dates,” and Ali just giggles awkwardly in response, I know Craig is doomed. You’re on a group date, Buddy, because Ali has no interest in wasting precious one on one time with a guy she’s not really that into. Their alone boat time with his arms around her was painful to watch – Ali looked uninterested. He really laid it on thick during their private dessert time, telling her that he’s never met anyone like her. We see just how much Craig misinterprets Ali’s feelings for him when he honestly believes that he’s “leaped over Frank.” He’s out of his mind.

As soon as we see Frank greet Ali for their one on one date with a passionate kiss, that puts the nail in the coffin for Craig. Frank swoops in, lifts her up and gets that puppy love look on his face immediately. Their date through a spice bazaar was pretty cool. It was fun to see all of the various things one could purchase there and I liked that they tried on a Sultan’s hat and belly dancing outfit. The whole carpet scene was pretty funny too. I don't know about these too.  Frank seems unstable.  He becomes a depression medication advertisement every time he is not with Ali.  And then as soon as he sees her, he lights up like a firefly. 

Did anyone see the Bachelor Pad promo during the show last night? It looks to be every bit as cheesy as one might guess. This will not stop me from watching it.

So Frank and Ali end their date at a romantic cistern where they walk through freezing cold water to eat a meal on a platform. Frank makes it very clear that he will only propose once and only marry once. But he wants to be confident when he does it that he’ll know what the answer will be. That’s a pretty smart strategy, I’d say. Ali gets this weepy look in her eye and tells him to trust his heart. Almost like she’s telling him that she’s fallen for him too, and not to worry, he should propose. He even winks at her. Ali says she’s never felt this way before. She’s drunk.

Another A+ for Ali for skipping the pre rose ceremony cocktail party and getting straight to the point. She knows Craig is toast and wants to get rid of him as soon as possible. This was a no brainer. Craig makes a very classy exit, despite the tears in the car to the airport.

So now we are down to 5 and this is where ABC loses its mind. Why on earth did they give so much away during its preview of what’s to come? In case you missed it, I won’t ruin it for you, but basically – they tell us that next week they are going to Lisbon, Portugal. But then they show scenes in Tahiti which we must assume comes after the cuts made in Lisbon.  They even show us a couple of the guys that are there. We then see Ali visiting the families of two of the guys (hometown dates come the week after next).  Then of course we see an upcoming dramatic scene with Frank, which we really didn't need to see.  Why are they telling us all of this? Are they afraid we won't watch if we don't know the ending?  Don't they know that it's so much better when we are surprised by the drama rather than spoon fed it?  Why not just tell us who Ali picks? I mean really – can’t they keep anything sacred? It’s really annoying.

What do you guys think? Any final thoughts on Justin? Are you rolling your eyes that Jake and Vienna will be on next week or are you excited to hear what they have to say for themselves? Do you think that the guy who just sat down next to me holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee is secretly begging me to offer him a Timbit? Not going to happen. In any event, I hope you all have a very safe and happy 4th of July weekend. Oh and a very happy birthday to my sister, Wendy.

To Believe or Not to Believe: Jake Threatens To Punch Vienna at ABC Taping???

The only thing worse than a bad break-up is a bad break-up that is used as a publicity stunt.  If you haven't seen this article which came out in yesterday's Huffington Post, ABC filmed a private taping of Vienna and Jake reuniting to have it out. I supposed this was the footage to be used on the July 5th show.  According to this article, Jake got so angry during the taping that he got up and nearly punched Vienna.  He allegedly needed to be cotnained.

Then the producers of ABC spoke out that this was all a lie, that there was no threatened violence.  Perhaps they are trying to avoid any litigation?  Perhaps they are telling the truth?  Perhaps they leaked this story to drum up publicity? I'd say the third scenario is the most likely.  Whaddya think?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/24/jake-threatens-to-punch-v_n_624753.html

Jake and Vienna - Reuniting on The Bachelorette, July 5th

Not sure if it is in their Bachelor contracts that they are required to make a certain amount of TV appearances on the show or be available for interviews by the show for eternity, but looks like we will be witnessing Jake and Vienna's reunion on TV on Monday, July 5th.  This should be a good one. I am not sure what reason they would have for being on Monday's show, as I don't believe they will be ready for "The Men Tell All" episode, but it should be interesting.

Jake is playing the whole: Vienna couldn't deal with my major successes as the Bachelor card.  He is screaming angry that she went to the tabloids. 

Of course what's interesting is that within 48 hours of him dumping Vienna via phone (as he claims happened Monday night), Jake was announced to be making an appearance on Bachelor Pad.  Did he know they were breaking up?  The timing seems a little too perfect that he could sneak onto this show last minute even though the taping of it was supposedly done.  I agree with you that Kasey should join this party. What a disaster.

So who do you believe: Jake or Vienna? I guess we'll have to wait to hear what they have to say on July 5th.

http://extratv.warnerbros.com/2010/06/jake_pavelka_and_vienna_girardi_face_off_july_5_on_the_bachelorette.php

If you missed Vienna's interview on Entertainment Tonight:

http://www.etonline.com/news/2010/06/88517/index.html

Oh, and Ali is now officially in the Hollywood scene. The above pic was taken at a drag queen bingo event in West Hollywood yesterday.  How do you just become friends with Jennifer Love Hewitt?

Confirmed: Jake P Will Be on Bachelor Pad, Vienna Says Jake Would Not Be (Gasp) Intimate With Her!

Crazy rumors are flying around tonight about the reasons behind Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi's break up.  I really should be sleeping right now, but how is someone supposed to get any sleep when there's all this information out there?

Here's what I learned: a very demure and soft spoken Vienna (she's using her baby voice from Jake's season) did an interview with Entertainment Tonight.  According to Vienna, Jake would not be intimate with her.  She said she realized a month into their relationship that they should not be engaged.  Apparently Jake went on a meat-free diet, which at first Vienna supported.  Then, once she realized that she was Grade A meat and that Jake's diet included avoiding her, she was pissed.  She wrote him a dump letter on a yellow legal pad and returned the engagement ring.  She claims she did not cheat, that Jake has a mean side to him and that she dumped him via letter because she was afraid he would convince her to stay.

In a People magazine interview, Jake states that he actually dumped Vienna via phone and she was jealous of his success and lazy.  Who knows if the truth will ever be known.  Suffice it to say, she won't be keeping a clean house for him and putting supper on the table (as her father promised him during his hometown date visit) any time soon.

In related news, Chris Harrison confirmed that Jake will be on The Bachelor Pad. In case you had any doubt as to whether Jake P wants love over fame, Jake's decision to mend his heart in The Bachelor Pad, should answer any questions.  What will poor Tenley and Gia do? They will certainly fight for him to the bone unless they get scooped up by the others.  If you believe Vienna's side of the story, that means that Jake is a) on the other team; b) just wasn't that into her or c) was initially into her, but then realized he wasn't that into her but enjoyed the fame so stuck it through.  If you read the recent Tweets from Jake and Vienna, you will see that as recently as a few days ago, they were still exchanging and posting lovey dovey tweets about the other.  So this break up is definitely shocking to most people.

On the bright side, we may get to see Tenley perform an encore edition of her interpretative love dance for Jake.  Then they could dance right off to Dancing With the Stars together.

Heating Up Iceland: And Then There Were 7

Not sure why last night’s episodes was kind of boring. Certainly it had nothing to do with Iceland. That place looks like a magical kingdom of adventure and romance – the ultimate place to explore with your 8 boyfriends. Maybe it was because The Husband chose to go to a summer barbecue with his guy friends over watching The Bachelorette with me (how could he??). Maybe it was because I was coming off a very long Sunday chasing my four nephews around for Father’s Day. Or maybe it’s just that not much can compare with having the entire Museum of Natural History to yourself, performing on the Broadway stage of The Lion King or watching Kasey explain what the significance of his 11 stars on his tattoo mean.

Regardless, I kept waiting for something fun to happen – something shocking, dramatic or nuts. Other than Chris L imitating Kasey’s mumbled poem to Ali, there wasn’t much by way of theatrics. No random outbursts of serenading by toned deaf men.  No sneaking off to go find Ali.  No Weatherman.  For that reason, there’s not much to say this week, except for a few things.

First, Iceland. I have never been there before, but it looks incredible. I would have frozen my tush off, however, based on how they were all dressed. If the guys were willing to wear those furry bomber hats – (is that what they’re called?) – they must have been absolutely frozen to the bone. Both Chris Harrison and Ali commented in their blogs this week that it was FREEZING in Iceland.  Go figure.  Ali looked like the Swiss Miss hot chocolate girl at several points throughout the show. The dates this week were pure fun – although during the last one with Justin and Kasey – I wonder if they would have been so thrilled if they knew the havoc that little volcano they were all standing around would cause.

The whole “make up a love poem for Ali” was a been there, done that scheme for this show. They all seemed to have the same joke of butchering the Icelandic language – not really funny. And let’s face it – Kirk had this date in the bag. Ali was clearly interested in getting to know him better after he put her to bed last week. I really thought he was going to tell her that he was divorced, had a kid, had an alien ex step girlfriend – you just never know what these boys are holding back. What a relief, that it was just asbestos poisoning! Is that bad to say?  And why that caused him to never be able to hold down a girlfriend for more than a year, I’m not sure, but Ali seems to have bought it. I like Kirk a lot. I like his big smile and the way his face turns red after a smooching session with Ali. I loved their matching sweaters and how he made Ali giggle in the sweater store at every ridiculous outfit he tried on. He also had some funny comments throughout the show. He’s a genuine guy and really seems to be into Ali. I didn’t think he was actually a contender until last night’s show. Now he’s definitely top 3, unless Frank can step up his game and stop staring at Ali with those googly eyes every time they have alone time.

The group date looked like a ton of fun. I wonder if Ali was terrified, holding on to 7 horses in the middle of a glacier while awaiting her men – particularly if she had never ridden a horse before. Ty saved the day playing cowboy, but I still don’t see him moving in too aggressively for the kiss with Ali. In fact, all I saw between them was some cheek pecks and hugs. He better get in there quick, or Ali might label him “friend.” YIKES.

The descent into that cave thing looked absolutely terrifying. It was pretty amazing that they were able to film anything. Definitely the highlight of Iceland appeared to be the Blue Lagoon. That looked straight out of a movie. “Cue in the romance…” and you see the steam just glistening off the water. When Ali popped out of her space suit (or whatever that cold weather get-up was), you could see each of the guys’ jaws drop when she revealed her spray tanned, toned body and bikini. It was almost as if she whipped out cupcakes and beer from nowhere. The guys couldn’t contain themselves. It was somewhat amusing. Ali admits that she wasn't wearing the bikini under her outerwear the whole day - it was way too cold.  As Ali pulled Ty and Chris L into private steam corners of the lake, I thought Frank was going to have a fit. Especially when he could hear Ali giggling while Chris L was seducing her. Seriously – if you have Chris L and Roberto in a steamy lake, why on earth would you want to talk to Frank? Ty was so darn tootin’ proud of himself when he got that group date rose.

The whole Justin vs. Kasey smack talk back at the Hilton (is this the 5 star hotel in Reykjavik?) was really lame. The little smirk on Justin’s face as he was plotting Kasey’s burn and crash before their two on one date, was pure evil. The fact that Frank kept asking Kasey about when he would reveal his tattoo to Ali seemed like a strategic move. Of course Frank wants him to reveal it – it’s the kiss of death for Kasey, and Frank knows it. I still don’t trust Justin. Everything about him screams “competition” as opposed to having any actual interest in Ali. The way he plots his date and is so concerned about taking Kasey down, as opposed to focusing on being with Ali, is very suspect. If the goal is to travel the world for free (Malibu, New York, Iceland, Istanbul…) regardless of Ali, of course Justin is willing to do what it takes.  You can tell that Chris Harrison and Ali do NOT like Justin based on their blogs this week.

Once they finally get on the date, their helicopter ride seemed very awkward. It’s funny that Ali mentions once again (I think it was to Frank) that she acknowledges that all of the guys hate Justin, because aside from the first two episodes, we didn’t really see much of the Justin bashing going on (I guess we were too tied up in Weatherman vs. Craig M and Kasey’s insanity). Last season, it was constant Vienna bashing, all season long. Of course now we know that the girls were right: she wasn't the right fit for Jake.  Now the real question will be whether The Bachelor Pad will allow Jake in to woo Tenley. 

But back to the date. The whole ice cave hangout looked pretty neat, although once again – I would have been too cold to enjoy myself. Where do you sit on an ice cave? Is the blanket which was over the ice providing any protection from the cold? Chris Harrison mentions that the producers/staffers from the show actually dug out that cave and created all of the items in it (including the couch).  He also mentioned that people who go to visit there could probably still see it since it's so cold, it definitely would not melt away.  Let's hope they didn't cause a future avalanche.  One of the more awkward scenes was when Ali was having her private time with Justin in the ice cave and Kasey is just sitting outside, drinking something, coughing and acting like he’s plotting to blow up the cave. The whole date, I am waiting for the critical moment: will Kasey reveal his tattoo or not? When at last Ali gives him a somewhat natural transition into this topic, he takes it. Ali handled the revelation of Kasey’s tattoo a lot better than most normal human beings. In fact, her eyes didn’t even pop out. Of course, maybe this was a self preservation technique (don’t freak out, reassure him that you appreciate his heart and shield tattoo, make a joke). Her response is, “Your mother’s going to kill you!” Maybe it was a delayed reaction, but when Ali has both guys following her on the volcano/glacier region – I’m not sure whether her abrupt stop and declaration that she had to send Kasey home was planned or spontaneous. If it was spontaneous – that was awesome. Like you can almost hear her thoughts on their trek (Ali’s brain: What the hell am I doing? I’ve got to get this guy out of here. Who gets a tattoo on this show? Am I in danger?). She tries to soften the guilt of leaving Kasey on an active volcano which will be shooting ash and fire for days and days to come – by convincing herself that it was the best decision for Kasey. What are the chances that this guy is going on The Bachelor Pad? Can’t you see him and Michelle together? They could have perfectly insane babies together and of course, guard and protect each other’s hearts.  On the other hand, Kasey doesn't seem like a mean person.  I believe his sincerity and have no doubt that he'd make a great cardiologist. 

So I’m not sure why the rose ceremony appeared to be the least bit dramatic because everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) knew that Chris N was a goner. Poor guy. He gets two minutes of camera time and all it reveals is that he’s slightly effeminate and finds his love of Mexican food to be "fun and crazy." Maybe he was camera shy. The guys seemed to like him (despite his inability to create a contender love poem for Ali) and his “friend” body language with Ali during their alone time together. He had zero TV presence and was known in the house as "The Phantom." 

So next week, we’re off to Istanbul and it looks like the drama will finally pick up again. We’ll find out who has a girlfriend back home. Who is it?? If it’s Chris L or Roberto, I will be devastated. BTW, Ali hinted that she’s somewhat curious as to whether Chris L may only be “friend” materials. Oh man. That’s nonsense. Maybe she was told to say that to hide her attraction to him.

Oh – and the producers actually commented on the whole Justin foot-gate thing. In case you missed it, Justin injured his left foot and has been shown on crutches with a cast on his left foot the whole season. A couple of episodes back, there was one camera angle, where Justin’s right foot was in a cast and he was using his left foot to support himself with crutches. The producers admitted that they used a mirror like reverse image to better show the environment that Justin was in. In other words – they edit the crap out of this show. Justin did not fake his injury as far as we know at this point.

I really hope next week's episode is better, because I want to justify giving up my summer Monday nights to watch this show. At least we don’t have to hear the “guard and protect her heart” speech anymore. To that end, Craig R’s fake tattoo was pretty funny. I’d like to see her go out with Roberto and Chris L again, but not sure if that’s happening next week. I will briefly acknowledge, and then never speak of again, the very staged conversation between Chris Harrison and Ali regarding Ali’s fear of falling in love. Wow, they really had nothing else to put into tonight’s episode.

I will leave you with some of my favorite quotes this week:

Kasey: “I’ll be able to see her heart, she’ll be able to see mine”

Craig R: “I thought my poem was outstanding…I’m a winner, without a doubt.”

Chris L: “I think (Kasey’s) lips got frozen. We need subtitles to understand him. Mmmmmmm. Ggggg. Mmmmm. (Chris impersonating Kasey)”

Kirk: “I want this ever forming relationship where it’s constant growth and admiration for each other.” A+ to Kirk for the sweet talking. He’s got the gift of gab.

Kasey: “Physical pain is nothing to me. I like to feel pain. That’s nothing to me. But if I get sent home, that will destroy me.” I think he was crying during this speech.  Poor crazy guy!

Justin: “I will hold up my championship belt, in this case Ali, over my head.”

Ali: “The only thing Kasey has to do today is just be normal.”

Craig R: “I gave a speech in front of 2000-3000 people at my law school graduation. I am more nervous now than at that.”  How did this guy go from law school graduate champion to contestant on Bachelorette?

Kirk (on observing the 2-3 foot gap between Ali and Chris N during their alone time), “They’re just friends. Brunch once a year. Just to catch up.”

Chris L: “I would collect garbage in San Francisco if it was to be with the right woman.”

Roberto: “I don’t think that I’m that hot.”
Ali: You are.
Roberto: No
Ali: You’re blushing.

Well, Bachelorette fans, enjoy the week. ‘Til Turkey!

Jake and Vienna - Break up!

My post for last night's show will be up tonight.  Til then - the latest news:

Not that this is very surprising - but Jake and Vienna are done.  Perhaps it's Jake's overtime schedule trying to get the most out of his 15 minutes. Since Dancing with the Stars he is now on to additional acting work.  Check it out:

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20396018,00.html

Breaking News: Bachelor Pad Contestants Announced -- HOLY COW

Check it out.  Bachelor Pad, which airs August 9th on ABC, will be a 6 episode car crash of former All-Star Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants.  And get this: they are taking some of our latest favorites including WEATHERMAN and CRAIG M!  Jesse will be there too.

Almost as exciting: Crazy Michelle and the teasing Nanny will be back.  The Nanny is blonde now.  They were the most fun competitors on last season's Bachelor with Jake.  Besides them - Tenley and Gia will be joining the ranks.  Holy cow. This is going to be nutz!

Kiptyn and Wes will also participate - they are back from Jillian's season.  Maybe Wes will bring his girlfriend.  Hopefully Kiptyn and Tenley can get together and at least we can have one happy ending. 
http://www.people.com/people/package/gallery/0,,20055177_20394313,00.html

The Bachelorette Takes Manhattan - With Her Tone Deaf Boyfriends

This week’s episode of The Bachelorette reminded me of why I still love this show. Just when you think you’ve seen every date, every crazy contestant, every, “I’m falling in love” starry eyed pursuer, something happens that changes it up all over again. From the time we learned this group was flying out to New York for the dates this week, we saw several original events unfold. Like the ability to perform in a Broadway show with only a couple of hours practice and the opportunity to nuzzle Ali’s bosom in front of hundreds of Broadway viewers while suspended in mid-air on wires. Or the decision to get a tattoo of a shield and heart to show a girl who is probably going to dump you in the next week or so that you are sincere about “protecting and guarding her heart.” And let’s not forget, we were able to witness two spontaneous live amateur musical performances for Ali, both of which sent me into convulsions of hysterical laughter for several minutes based on how out of place and awkward they were. Man, do I love this show.

I actually left my college sorority reunion so I could watch this week's show and blog about it.  There are not many times in life when I can leave a social function with the excuse of, "Sorry, I have to leave. The Bachelorette is on." Strangely enough, my friends understood. 

Not to take away my love for The Husband, which could never be touched - but I think I have a huge crush on Chris L.  I know I am not alone - my iPhone lit up with text messages and emails of many of my friends declaring the same thing.  We are his groupies.  In fact, if Ali does end up with him, we will be secretly heartbroken.  If she doesn't end up with him, we for sure have our next Bachelor and I know about 100 girls who would be first in line for the casting calls.  Chris L is the full package - good looking, smart, family oriented and funny.  But what I like best about him - is that he seems like someone we would be friends with already.  He's not someone you would expect to be on this show - he's just a real person, having a ball on a reality tv show.  But last night, we saw he might actually have an interest in Ali.  Sigh.  Another one bites the dust.

My friend Neha commented about Chris L: "I am obsessed. (My boyfriend) is jealous."

First things first. It was interesting to see the guys on their actual journey to New York. I often think that there is a ton of traveling on this show that is never shown. Especially when the fantasy dates are in places like New Zealand and the Caribbean, etc. It really looks like the guys get along quite well. I would have loved to be on that flight from LA to New York and hear the conversations that took place. I also found it interesting that this was one of the first times in Bachelorette history where we got a glimpse into the behind the scenes “primping” process that takes place before we see the finished Ali product. Ali says she’s most comfortable in sneakers, jeans and a big t-shirt, but she couldn’t get away with that in New York. Ali – take it from a New Yorker – I spent 85% of my weekends in a sports bra, leggings and my running shoes. Real New Yorkers are understated (at least that’s how I justify my sporty look).

Of course, this turned out to be one major plug for In Style magazine. The outfits chosen for her looked great, but in all honesty – nobody in New York would have any closet space to store such things. Although, I'm sure those outfits cost thousands of dollars, so the people wearing the clothes probably would have the space. It was funny that she had to bag most of the outfits and opt for pajamas, due to her cold. Side note: I love how In Style tried to pump Ali up by telling her that she was going to be in the same issue as a “stylish blonde,” and yet she was probably thinking, “Why wasn’t I the stylish blonde on the cover of the damn magazine? Move over Cameron Diaz!” Not sure if she was feigning enthusiasm, or what.

So we’re down to 11 this week, and once again there’s a group date, and 2 individual dates. I was absolutely shocked when we learned that Kasey got an individual date. Certainly she had to have wanted to take someone else. What about Kirk? What about that Chris N guy we know absolutely nothing about? Seriously – does Chris N speak English? Why does she pick him week after week and yet we know nothing at all about him? All we know is that she thought more of him than Jesse, the tall, hot stud who wants to milk cows, sings Lion King songs pretty well and misses his dogs. Was Jesse that much worse than Kasey?? Seriously??  I do have to give credit to Ali for keeping an open mind.  I mean clearly she's got at least four guys she's definitely into: Roberto, Kirk, Frank and Chris L.  She could have easily said - ok, my husband has to be one of those guys, the rest can go home...but she's taking it all very seriously.

Back to Kasey, though. So he’s never been to New York before. Some of you commented that Kasey may have a hearing problem or speech impediment and I should stop calling him Marblemouth. I have spoken to several of my speech pathologist friends and all of them are of the opinion that he most likely does not have either of these issues – he simply is a mumbler. But, I will take the high road here and not continue to refer to him as Marblemouth or Mumbler. Let’s call him Tattoo Bachelorette guy (thanks to Chris L for the suggestion). He may not have a hearing problem, but he is certainly tone deaf. 

One of my favorite lines of the night was Chris L’s take on Kasey’s feelings for Ali:

“I think Kasey closes his eyes, thinks of Ali and thinks of doves flying out behind her…Cupid hitting her with an arrow. Hearts floating around her head. Them in a meadow magically running toward each other with unicorns. I don’t see her as that kind of romanticized love. Not like unicorn love…”

Ahhh, does anyone else think that Chris L is one of the funniest bachelors to ever appear on this show? I love this guy! But back to Kasey’s date – yet another helicopter appears. Ali has surely kicked her fear of flying by now, no? It really is possible that Kasey believes they are actually in a Disney movie. I love how he says, “This is how I’m supposed to spend every day of my life…with her.” Yes, because most people spend every day flying around in helicopters and taking private tours of The Museum of Natural History with a beautiful girl who is way out of your league. Soak it up, Kase! He is in way deep. He’s making statements like, “This is where his love story begins. This is reality.” This is certainly not my reality!

The sun is going down. Ali and Kasey are sipping champagne together and having a romantic picnic. Then all of a sudden, totally unexpectedly, one of my favorite moments in Bachelorette history is upon us: Kasey’s impromptu, toned deaf and completely awkward love song to Ali. Perhaps if there was some music in the background or if he had any kind of musical ability - this would have been somewhat appropriate.  I mean, at least Hunter's songs had humor and Ty is actually talented.  But Kasey had neither, and it was a disaster.  What on earth inspired him to sing her a song out of the blue?  Actually, I felt like we were watching a really bad American Idol audition.  I have no idea what he actually sang to her because I was too busy trying to prevent the diet coke I was swallowing from snorting through my nose. The Husband and I were howling in laughter. I think the song was something about how he wanted a rose. Ah well, he gets an A+ for courage. I would have paid serious money to have seen Ali sent him home right there and then. It would have been the kind thing to do.  For a second, I thought Ali was trying to hold back from laughing. She says she found him a bit “cheesy,” which is so much of a kinder description than I would have used. Some of you may think Kasey’s gesture was sweet. I found it overindulgent (as Simon Cowell would say) and unnecessary.

This week’s dates were definitely the most interesting that we have seen (minus Chris L’s, but we didn’t get to see what they were supposed to have done). Having the entire Museum of Natural History to themselves is pretty awesome. Especially when Ali was running away from Kasey through the dinosaur exhibit with matching lanterns. I’m not sure if Ali was attracted to Kasey’s monkey noises or to him scaring the crap out of her near the Tyrannosaurus rex, but I was shocked that she didn’t send him home. In fact, I didn’t know there was an option of indecision on these dates, but she went for it.

Worst line of the night goes to Kasey: “I choose you. I hope that some day you choose me. I’m here to guard and protect your heart. Jump in. Stay a while.”

Ewwww. I almost gagged. Can Ali honestly be interested in this crap? And just as I’m questioning Ali’s sanity, Kasey starts up with his ridiculous singing again at the museum. Ali misinterprets scary awkwardness for insincerity. He’s being real, Ali – he’s just crazy! Kasey is so insulted that Ali didn’t buy his singing act that he eventually goes off and tattoos his wrist for her. If any of you all didn’t think he was crazy before, the tattoo had to have sealed the deal. I actually do feel kind of bad for him at this point, because he just has no idea how creepy or nuts he is. The only reason he received a rose this week is because he didn’t show Ali his tattoo. Jonathan the Weatherman actually saved him by interrupting their conversation just as Kasey was about to reveal it to her.  When this season is over let's hook him up with Michelle from last season.  These two would be a perfect match.

Just when you thought nothing could top Kasey’s singing, the group date is upon us and watching the guys in spandex on a Broadway stage learning choreography, was pretty cool. Frank is beyond thrilled to be back in the company of his love, but I find it stressful watching him because he is seriously going to have a heart attack from seeing Ali with his competition. Roberto’s cute dimples and sincere singing directly to Ali wins him a role in The Lion King with Ali. The guys are so jealous and spend the rest of the afternoon kicking themselves that they didn’t sing directly to Ali. As Kirk says, Roberto is “Rico Suave.” I like Kirk.

As I was watching Roberto and Ali dressed in Lion King costumes, practicing their act on stage together and putting his head in her cleavage, I couldn’t help but think how completely pissed Hunter must be somewhere watching all of this. These guys get a trip to New York and the chance to be on a Broadway stage. Even psychotic Kasey gets a private tour of one of the greatest museums in the world. Hunter? He gets a couple of burgers and hot dogs and the chance to wear an apron at Ali’s house. Not exactly a fair playing field here.

Watching Roberto with Ali on stage – you can see their connection is really strong. The guys can barely sit in their chairs watching the two of them together. During the nighttime portion of their date, Ali’s cold is picking up speed.

“We’ve got a high pressure system moving in,” says Roberto. He’s pretty funny too.

I was happy to see Ali take Frank aside and try to reassure him that he’s still in the game. This lit up Frank’s soul in a matter of seconds. As we already know however, the guy who gets the first date is always going to be forced to watch his lady out with other guys. And this initially strong connection is doomed to be repeatedly tested.

When Craig R is giving his song and dance to Ali about how his heart is 110% in this, Weatherman is watching them like a puma, with a little creepy smile on his face. He’s biding his time, waiting for the right moment.  Another highlight from last night: Jonathan approaches the two of them and asks for alone time with Ali and Craig R basically tells him to go take a hike. Classic. Weatherman retreats for now, but is proud that he took the initiative, whatever that means.

I loved that Kirk pulled Ali away and insisted that she go to bed. Smart move, Kirk. I also liked that he didn’t try to take advantage of her weakened state while they were alone together. He tucked her in and blew out all of the candles around her. He’s a good guy, this Kirk. I hope we get to see more of him.

And then we get to the part of the show which had me smiling ear to ear: Chris L’s date. It’s the poor guy’s birthday and I really thought his date was going to get canceled. Instead – he gets the opportunity to win the flu from Ali. I just wanted to hug him when he showed up with soup and flowers. What a nice guy! You can almost see the fireworks start flying between these two during their time together. If Ali is feeling like crap and she’s still feeling a connection with this guy, it must be strong. Also, before this one on one date, Chris L was pretty neutral about Ali. He probably just thought she’s a cute girl, but hadn’t had much time with her. I thought we could actually see his interest in her take on a real shape during their date. He might be in it to win it.  I think there was a lot of editing going on of their date, because I'm not really clear on how they went from sipping soup on the couch to cuddling in her bed, but it must have taken some intense conversation which we missed.

Once we see him lounging in bed with Ali, something clicks with these two and it’s evident – we finally have a real competitor to Roberto. Chris L has arrived! By the way, 230 Fifth Ave, the club that Ali takes Chris L to, is one of the snobbiest scenes in New York. It’s one of those places where if you’re not a supermodel and don’t have a $1500 handbag, you’re going to get the stink eye. It’s a good thing they had it all to themselves. Once Chris opened up about his mother, I think he had every woman in America and Canada falling for him. I loved that Ali called Chris L’s dad and you can tell Chris has a great relationship with his family, which Ali loves (who wouldn’t love that?). I think we are going to see a lot more rainbows in the episodes to come. I was so happy when he got the rose.  Once the Joshua Radin and choir act come on, Ali's disease miraculously disappears.  Chris L goes in for his first real kiss - and it's passionate!  As the Husband pointed out, "If you don't have the flu by the end of this episode, you're nobody."

Meanwhile, back at the loony bin, Kasey is missing. The guys want to put out an Amber alert. The whole “I want to protect and guard Ali’s heart,” is not only getting old – it’s creepy. There are much better ways to prove sincerity than tattooing a shield and a heart on your wrist. I can understand being a bit embarrassed by it, and calling it a burn, so I won’t give him too much crap for lying to the guys about it. It's probably one of the smarter things he did - until he told them the truth.  But making up a crazy story about going to the hospital for a burn, etc. is a bit strange, to say the least. How about rolling down your sleeve so nobody will notice your bandage?  My friend Amie had the following to say about him:

Ali needs to get ABC to pay for her bodyguard after the show is over because he is total stalker material.  Also I think his voice kind of sounds like Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock.

Final highlight from last night: Weatherman's last ditch effort to woo Ali with his voice and a guitar.  Poor guy.  I agree, he's definitely harmless, but oh so dorky.  Another favorite line from Jonathan, "I'm more of a singer/song writer..." Oh really, Jonathan?  So he does afterall have Hollywood in his eyes.  If only he had the talent!  Given, he was slightly better than Kasey, but only because he had a guitar with him.  I was cringing during this performance.  Ali actually looks intrigued, suprisingly.  Even more amazing than his performance is the fact that Weatherman honestly believes his singing/guitar playing has guaranteed him a rose.  In fact, he says, that the "skies are clearing.  Looks like sun in the forceast."  Not so much.  Some of my friends could not control their emotions about Weatherman and Kasey last night.  Here's what they had to say:

My friend Melissa's husband, Jim, apparently walked in while she watching the show only to witness Jonathan's serenade and had this to say: "This guy is a tool bag.  He's bad." 

My friend Nyieri, "Weatherman sounds like a d-bag. No?"

My friend Jennifer, "The Weatherman is pretty awful. Tattoo guy too!"

My friend Alana, "All that singing...and the tattoo - insanity!"

Kirk: "We need one more guy to play guitar in the house."

Watching the guys sit around prior to the rose ceremony, I have a couple of last observations:

1.  I still have no idea who Chris N is.

2.  Kasey is wasted and I'm not sure why he chose both an orange shirt and tie that matched his skin tone.

3.  I was waiting for Justin to tell Ali about Kasey's tattoo, but I guess nobody spilled the beans on this one.

4.  If I hear the phrase, "guard and protect her heart" one more time...  Did Ali ever ask Kasey to do this for her? 

5.  Kasey is smart enough to bring Ali Swedish fish, her favorite candy and smart enough to keep his mouth shut about his tattoo. But crazy cancels out the smart here.

Roses go to Kirk (hooray!), Craig R (ehhh), Chris N (who?), Roberto (of course), Justin (he was really sweaty and shiny last night), Ty (The Husband and I chanted for him to get a rose), and...KASEY??? 

Jesse didn't seem to bummed about going home.  Why should he? He got all expense paid trips to Vegas and New York, along with amazing seats to Lion King.  He certainly has nothing to complain about.  He'll be the biggest stud for acres and acres of farmland in his town when he gets home.
Jonathan's reaction to his rejection is awesome. He's surprised.  He doesn't know what he did wrong.  Ugh.  His facial expressions are priceless.  He lived through the storm and hopefully there are calmer seas ahead for him.  Definitely not as a singer/song writer, but hopefully some weather station somewhere is desperately in need of him. 

I can't wait for next week when we will be headed to Iceland.  Will we find out more about Chris N?  Does anyone really care?  Will Kasey reveal his tattoo?  Do you have a crush on Chris L? Or is Roberto more your type?  Who will be needing the ambulance that we have seen in previews?  Is Frank going to hold it together?  Let's hear your thoughts!

Some of my favorite pictures from this week:

Camera Editing Playing Tricks, Not Justin

The Husband has informed me that the blooper regarding Justin's foot/cast from last week's episode must have been a post-production mishap by ABC.  That's so disappointing. I thought we had busted him for sure.  I guess it really was a mirror image film issue.

My post for tonight's show will go up tomorrow evening, but just quickly I need to mention: this was by far and away, one of the best episodes of all time.  I won't ruin it for you west coast people and for anyone who hasn't seen it yet.  Enjoy it!

CONFIRMED - Justin's Injury HAS to be Fake!

After my team of investigators went back to the online video: http://abc.go.com/watch/the-bachelorette/SH5556990/VD5570292/week-3-part-1?cid=fullepisodeaccess  of last week's episode, I have come to the following conclusion:

Justin's injury MUST be fake.  When Justin is hiking to Ali's house on crutches, it is clearly his LEFT foot that has a protective boot on, and which he does not walk with.  This indicates that it is his left foot that is injured.  We then see Ali being videotaped at her house. She is discussing her upcoming date with Hunter and why she chose him.  For a second, we see a clip of Justin right before he approaches Ali (it's in the last clip of Episode 3, Part I).  This time, however, his RIGHT foot is in the boot, with his sneaker on his left foot.  Unless ABC is playing mirror camera tricks with us, Justin has SWITCHED his injured foot. I repeat: JUSTIN has SWITCHED his injured foot from left to right. 

A moment later, in the next shot, Justin's injured foot is back tp being his his LEFT foot.  This is at the point where Ali sees him.  This shocking mistake can only mean one of the following:

1. Justin's injury is fake and ABC knows about it.  How could they not have captured him taking off his foot boot cast thing and changing it to the opposite foot?  Perhaps they missed it or didn't realize what he was doing when he switched the cast to the wrong foot.

2.  The clip we see of Justin with this foot boot on the "wrong" foot is really being taped in a mirror somehow, and therefore it is really on the same foot the whole time.

3.  Justin's foot cast switcheroo went unnoticed by anybody somehow, even Justin - he wasn't smart enough to keep the hoax up the entire time. This would mean that he stopped to rest at some point and "air out" his foot.  We didn't see him rest.  But a mile's hike on crutches on a highway may have required some rest.  Even a 5 minute break would be enough for him to have taken his cast off and then, "Oops!" put it back on the wrong foot.

1 and 3 above are most likely.  Gotcha, Justin!  What do you all think?

Wrestler-Gate: Is Justin Faking It??!!

There has been some speculation as to whether Justin "Rated-R" is faking his foot injury.  I, for one, think this would certainly be a way for him to earn some extra TLC and sympathy from Ali.  After Hunter's antics from last week in lying to Hunter about his whereabouts during the hours before Hunter's date (according to Hunter, Justin claimed to be sleeping), I don't trust Justin.  In my opinion, Being an Entertainment Wrestler + knowlingly being followed by cameras for the mile hike to Ali's house + Lying about his trip to Ali's house = ULTERIOR MOTIVE.

As a keen reader of this blog noted to me by email earlier today,

"Did you notice last week when Justin was "hiking" to Ali's house that his left foot was in the cast/boot and when he got to Ali's house, more specifically coming around the corner where she is doing an interview it is Justin's right foot in the cast/boot - check out the episode (end of part I).  His whole broken foot thing is a ruse!!!!!"

A complete investigation by my operational team will be conducted to get to the botton of this scandalous accusation.  Is Justin really injured?  Stay tuned while an analysis is performed...

Is Ali Copying Me?

First it was my rehearsal dinner dress, now it's my wedding gown and bridal hair style. Ali is invading my personal style!  Actually, Ali looks completely stunning in this picture compared to me, but  I couldn't help and notice the similar styling.

BTW, the photo of me below was taken at my grandmother's apartment recently.  Grandma Lillian could not make the trip to Puerto Rico for our destination wedding. She is 102 years old and can't get around too well, so instead, we brought the wedding to her.  My parents came to my grandmother's apartment in their original wedding clothes, my uncle was the videographer, my cousin wore a vest and a bow tie (which is very fancy for him) and my aunt brought me flowers and performed the ceremony.  The Husband wore a tie over a t-shirt.  It was about 102 degrees in NYC that day and probably hotter in her apartment. I put on my full gown, jewelry, shoes and tried my best at my own hair and makeup and got married to The Husband right there and then in my grandmother's living room - again. 

The look on Grandma L's face when she opened the door to her apartment and saw her granddaughter, the bride, standing there - was well worth the effort.  She even dressed up for the occasion and put on her own makeup!  How many 102 year olds dress up for a wedding reenactment?  She is truly incredible.  Look at her standing on her tippy toes to try to be as tall as me.  What an amazingly modern woman!  Now I know why she's lived so long - she is able to go with the flow and run with any ridiculous situation that crosses her path - even a makeshift wedding!

The other picture below is of my Aunt, Uncle, Cousin and Grandma Lil with me, moments before the wedding ceremony.  I started to walk the 11 blocks to my grandmother's apartment (in my gown), but it was hot, and people were staring at me, so The Husband and I jumped into a cab.  I was thinking that if we could reenact our wedding once a week from now on, then the following might happen: (1) in about 600 years, I could get my money's worth for my dress and (2) it would force me to stay in shape to be able to fit into that dress.  To all of you former or soon to be or eventually to be brides out there, people are so much nicer to you when you're wearing a wedding gown!  I remember the moment our wedding ceremony overlooking the beach of our San Juan hotel ended, The Husband and I made our escape back toward the main building and on our way we passed a restaurant full of patrons who were eating outside.  As we approached, they all started applauding.  It was so nice.  Then I got to thinking - wouldn't it be nice to walk the streets of New York City with people applauding you all along the way?  If I wore my bridal gown to work, I might get some support on my daily commute. I might not mind waking up at 6 AM and traveling 90 minutes each day.  I might even look forward to it.  Of course, I'd probably get some strange looks and most likely lose my job, but I'd be applauded on the way to the unemployment line.  

Anyhow, the wedding re-enactment turned out to be a big success. We are looking into a repeat performance when some of my French cousins come to visit New York this summer or fall. There was cake, there was poetry and lots of kissing - all signs of a great wedding. 

In between these weddings, I'm contemplating become "The Brunch Bride." This is somewhat similar to the concept of The Naked Cowboy, except I wouldn't be naked - I'd be wearing my wedding gown.  And I don't play guitar in my underwear and really I'm not a cowboy.  But like the Naked Cowboy, I'd bring joy to the people on the street that I pass while making them wonder whether I was completely insane for wearing a wedding gown when it was not my wedding day.  Truthfully, I can't bare to say goodbye to this dress.  I spent close to a year searching for it, trying it on and making sure it fit perfectly. I also spent more money on this dress than any single article of clothing that I have ever purchased in my life and yet I will wear it less than anything I ever bought before.  Does this make any sense?  How can I just store it away and hope that in 25-40 years from now, a future daughter of mine might possibly want to wear it?  Nah, I'd rather wear it myself.  As the Brunch Bride, I'd put on my gown, wear my wedding jewelry and hair pins, do my makeup, and pick a nice spot on the Upper East Side to have brunch in once a week.  I just hope The Husband is willing to go along with this.  To mix things up a bit, perhaps I'll take to grocery shopping or dropping in to a Duane Reade or CVS Pharmacy before or after brunch.  The Brunch Bride is both elegant and practical: fancy enough to eat anywhere in Manhattan, but determined to get her money's worth for her bridal gown. 

Justin vs. Young Richard Gere?

I finally figured out who Justin reminds me of - it's Richard Gere, but Richard Gere, about 25 years ago.  It's mostly the eyes and the smile.  I think that's maybe why I was trying to give Justin the benefit of the doubt, because I like Richard Gere.  But I'm still not sure about him.