Tonight’s episode was déjà vu all over again. Playfulness by day, make-out in the fantasy suite by night. And at the end of it all, Jake is falling in love with all three women, not to mention that he was falling in love with Ali as well. How is this possible? If you are attracted to outspoken, mermaid, kinky blonde haired women (wouldn’t Vienna make an excellent “Madison” in the remake of the 80s movie Splash with Tom Hanks?) can you also be attracted to the quieter, more sophisticated and mature Gia?
St. Lucia is absolutely gorgeous. I once stopped there on a cruise for an afternoon and my only memory of the place, besides it being lush and absolutely gorgeous, was that every member of the snorkeling excursion I was on got stung by these mini jelly fish creatures. People were coming out of the water holding their fins and snorkel, with enormous welts on their legs. It took me about half a second to decide that I was not stepping anywhere near the water. Looks like Jake and his ladies found a different patch of water to roll around and make rated R music videos in.
I’d also like to say, for all of you who have heard about the rumors of who Jake picks in the end (and I will never ruin it for you by providing that information), the person who revealed that information really sucks. I mean, last night’s episode would have been a thousand times more enjoyable if I hadn’t heard that rumor, and therefore didn’t have in the back of my mind, who he would most likely eliminate. It would have been shocking, entertaining and I would have gasped. So for those of you who do not know anything – stay that way. And for those who feel the need to ruin the surprise for others – you have missed the entire point of why people love this show. Once this season is over, you might as well go running around to elementary schools telling children that there is no Santa Claus. Don’t you know that the thrill of this show lies in the drama, the unknown suspense and speculation that millions of viewers across the country feel when Jake asks Vienna what kind of engagement ring she likes and then are left to wonder – well, is she the ONE? What other tricks does this show have up its sleeve? We want to be left guessing. Don’t ruin it for us!
A few comments about each of the individual
overnight fantasy dates (and it was somewhat disappointing to see that the format of these dates is EXACTLY the same as previous seasons, along with the written cards, word for word, that Chris Harrison provided to each of the ladies (“Should you decide to forego your individual rooms…”). Did they just put white-out on last season’s cards and insert the new names?).
So Gia gets the first date. I am wondering if Jake gets to pick the order of these dates. Despite Jake’s constant proclamations that Gia “is amazing,” “deep” and that she “makes his heart skip a beat,” I wasn’t really fooled. 99% of Jake’s statements to Gia related to her looks. Yes, we get it, she’s a model. She’s hot. And yet I was starting to like Gia’s personality. They seemed like a total mismatch though. Also, her past relationship issues are still alarming to me (she dated a jerk who was cheating on her with all of her friends). Gia is the queen of the off the shoulder tops.
It was actually really sad to see how poor the local people of St. Lucia appear to be. This is actually the first season in a while where we haven’t had a “charity” episode where the Bachelor/ette gives back during a group date. Unless you consider models wearing ridiculously expensive clothes and shoes for a fashion magazine shoot a gift to the public. I’d like to see a group date where they take everybody to Haiti and build some homes, although I don’t think the earthquake had happened yet when the show was filiming. Anyhow, watching Gia and Jake try to dance together while a native St. Lucian man was playing music for them, was definitely awkward. As soon as Jake mentioned that Gia’s shoes were $1000, I knew this relationship was going nowhere. Yes, he’s surprised that Gia can hang with the locals, but this does not mean that they share the same values.
Jake gets Gia a cheesy shell heart necklace that she wears on her wrist (probably because she’s embarrassed to be seen with it). She swears she will never take it off. I noticed that in the car after she gets the boot, she was still wearing it on her wrist and wonder whether we will see it on the Women Tell All or whether she tossed it about 3 seconds after she realized it was still on her. Sorry to skip around here, but when Gia first greeted Jake, she snuck up behind him and the audience is supposed to believe that Jake didn’t know she was coming. Yeah. Right. Stick Jake in the middle of nowhere in St. Lucia – where he’s looking off into the ocean – I’m sure he had no idea that Gia was approaching him. It was only the day of his date with her that he had fully planned. It’s really windy and for a second you think either him or Gia may blow off the side of the mountain. The good news is that Gia is forced to put her hair back so we can actually see her face.
There was a cameo of Jake at the beginning of his date with Gia where, as I pointed out last week, he was wearing a Jamaican bead necklace and had a tan. He is describing his feelings for Gia. This cameo was inserted into last week’s show during his date with Gia, but it didn’t make sense to me because he was tan and had this necklace on that we hadn’t seen before. Now we know that it was inserted out of order, and it was correct to assume that Gia would advance last week since Jake was singing her praises in a scene filmed the following week. I find this annoying.
Once Gia and Jake are in the water together, kissing like teenagers, Jake is in seventh heaven. It’s kind of like the reverse of Molly Ringwald’s crush on Jake Ryan in Sixteen Candles. Anyhow, who else wanted to take Gia’s tiara and toss it into the ocean? What kind of accessory is that to bring to a 
tropical vacation? I’d say it might have been useful to keep the hair out of her eyes, however, she purposely brushes some bangs straight into her face while she’s wearing the thing. Jake likes it though, and I was impressed that even knew the word “tiara.” He says that she looks like a ballerina and calls her “doll face.” Gross. Yet another reference to Gia’s looks. Meanwhile, Gia wants her and Jake to exchange “I love yous” and to say that they want to spend their lives together. This time never comes, or at least we never see it. They do, however, find the time to jump into a petal filled bubble bath together in the fantasy suite. Again, if I’m the lady that Jake chooses, I am NOT happy about this. Jake says he is willing to take a “leap of faith” with Gia, meaning (he knows she’s probably not the right girl for him, but he’s willing to make out with her anyway). He does say that his life with Gia “flashes before his eyes.” How could he pick anyone but Gia at this point? The Fiance thinks it’s gotta be Gia.
The only somewhat serious conversation about marriage comes when Jake says that he loves to put other people before himself. So noble, Jake! And strangely enough, Gia finds Jake and his ability to talk about his feelings on marriage to be more mature than any guy she’s ever been with. I’m guessing this wouldn’t be hard if the last guy she was with was having affairs with all of her friends. Poor Gia!
On to Tenley. I think Jake and her are starting to look alike. If Jake says that Ten’s dance last week was his favorite part of their hometown date, could you think of a better match than these two? As Tenley runs to hug and kiss Jake, I’m wondering whether she can smell Gia’s perfume on him or see any hickies or lipstick on him. How much time does Jake have in between these dates? If there are three overnights and he is there for a full week, does he just get up, kick Gia out, shower and go meet Tenley? Anyhow, Tenley looks good with a tan, but her baby voice ruins the upgrade. She heads to the helicopter where she starts jumping up and down like a three year old screaming, “Cool!” As they fly over all of St. Lucia, I wonder if Jake points out the spot on the beach where he made out with Gia. Are the tikki torches still out from their date? Eventually, they land on a plantation in the middle of nowhere and Tenley asks Jake whether he’s ever been there before. Is she serious? I know Jake has traveled a lot, but I doubt he regularly hangs out in the sugar plantations of St. Lucia's mountains. As they lay out the picnic for themselves, we hear the first of so many references to Tenley’s ex husband. It’s almost like she’s creating her own doom – I just want to shake her and say, “STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR EX!!” Jake certainly doesn’t want to be reminded of him at every chance you get! And then I see how innocent Tenley appears to be and I already am devastated for her if she is not the one that is chosen.
Watching Jake and Tenley together, it seems quite obvious that the passion they have together is not as strong as Jake’s desire for Gia. That said, Jake can’t help but to call Tenley “amazing” while she refers to him at one point as a “naughty boy.” I love how ABC is trying to trick us into thinking that there is anything less than a 150% chance that Tenley will stay in the fantasy suite with Jake overnight. Yes, we get it. It’s her first time staying overnight with another male who was not her husband. But this is the Bachelor. We know she can’t help herself.
Jake does love that he can be so manly around Tenley. I wonder how she got her teeth so white – and whether it’s possible to attain such incredible white teeth within three weeks. (Side note: Three weeks from tomorrow we leave for our wedding!). Maybe it’s her tan that makes her teeth glow, but I’m jealous. Anyhow, Tenley is very good at describing to Jake what she loves about him. She loves kissing him. Dancing with him. When Jake takes Tenley to dance to no music on their date this week, she actually gets tears in her eyes (we learn from Jake's blog that there were actually bats swooning around them during this dance, which might be why she is crying). Yes, she wants to dance with him forever. My question is – what on earth would these two talk about once she actually marries him? I think he would get bored pretty quickly after a couple months of dance lessons.
When they enter the fantasy suite, it looks pretty amazing – with a private pool! Jake says that this is one of those “moments in life when everything slows down…no doubt Tenley would be an amazing wife.” As I watch this scene, I wonder, how on earth could he not choose Tenley? This woman is made for him! If I am not Tenley and I am chosen by Jake, would I doubt whether he is over his feelings for her? So Tenley’s experience in having a sleepover with men consists of her ex husband and the Bachelor. I think she’s very sweet, but I am just not sure that Jake is head over heels for her.
Then we get to Vienna’s date. Mind you, I keep forgetting sometimes that Vienna is only 23. But then again, she certainly acts like it. Initially, when Jake is discussing what he likes about each woman, he refers to Vienna as “immature.” Yet he thinks this immaturity is something he can cure like a bacterial infection. He thinks marriage is the penicillin of immaturity. How could he be so blind? It seemed very appropriate that Jake brings Vienna to a pirate ship so that they can play on it all day. It seems like his time with Vienna is much more playful and lustful, rather than anything substantive. Is there anybody out there besides Vienna’s family that thinks she is a good match for Jake? And why oh why did they choose Vienna’s date to play the On the Wings of Love instrumental version song AS WELL AS the Bachelor passion music. It was a double dose of intensity. Jake admits that him and Vienna have a natural affection, more so than with any other girl. He describes his time with her as “Bam! Fireworks chemistry!” I am not male, so I don’t pretend to understand how someone would find Vienna and her kinky hair, gigantic smile and strong personality a catch. Perhaps we will explore this point at our next podcast.
Jake goes on a quest to make sure his relationship with Vienna is not purely physical. This makes me a little nauseous. He says this repeatedly during their romp on the shorelines of the pirate ship is over (also made me a bit sick). When they sit down to dinner together, she gives him some song and dance of what she wants in a partner. Jake then asks her what kind of engagement ring she wants. Now here is the real question: if Vienna is the winner, would ABC show us this clip? We didn’t see Jake asking Tenley this question. So is the audience to be spoon fed so easily that yes, Vienna is the winner? Or will we be thrown off by something else later on?
The grossest part of the entire episode comes when they enter the fantasy suite and Vienna says in a very slow and what she deems to be a seductive voice, “I want to show Jake that I can be elegant and that I can be a woman.” Out she comes in a white, satin lingerie slip. EWWWWWWWWWWW!! Jake is psyched, thinking it is not going to be this easy to get a girl ever again. And then we see Vienna shut the bedroom doors on the cameras…insinuating that a full on, all night, rated X session is about to begin. I wonder whether Jake’s morals kicked in or whether spending a night being a gentleman to Tenley jolted his hormones into overdrive. Maybe Jake will reveal what went on at the women tell all. And once again, I ask you – if you end up with Jake and you are not Vienna, would you want to go anywhere near him after you see what him and Vienna had going on in the fantasy suite??
Let’s discuss Ali’s situation for a second. She’s filled with regret and we get to see her in a room looking at professional photos of Jake holding roses. This is just a little too staged for me. It looked like a hotel room that ABC had set her up in, rather than an actual apartment. So Ali’s life is loveless and she finally notices that her job can not love her back. Her phone call with Jake was kind of tough to listen to. Ali is begging for another chance. Jake gives her an “I’m sorry to hurt you” speech in the end. I’m wondering why ABC took so much time to focus on Ali’s regret. Is this a campaign to make her the next Bachelorette? Especially when Ali says, “I’m just never going to meet anyone like Jake ever again.” Can’t you see this as the introduction to the next Bachelorette? I know, some of you out there are groaning. Ali had her chance and blew it. I agree with Jake’s assessment – she made her decision. She chose to leave. The other girls have things going on too, but they didn’t leave. Ali seemed to realize how painful her decision would be before she left (crying and two hour conversations on Jake’s lap at the last rose ceremony). But watching Ali, with messed up frizzy hair, puffy eyes and tears rolling down her face and declaring “I’m going to regret this for the rest of my life,” can we not help but feel bad for her? Doesn’t ABC know that Gia, Tenley and Vienna would not make very good bachelorettes? Ali seems the most widely appealing (minus her angry Vienna tirade?). Certainly we, the audience, are being groomed to accept her. Do you accept her? Are you on team “She Made Her Bed, Lie In It” or “Give Her Another Chance?” It’ll be interesting to see what she has to say on the WTA next week.
The general consensus is that Ali doesn’t come back. But the preview of the finale showed Tenley and Vienna looking very hurt and upset. If Jake chooses nobody, does this open the door for Ali? Are we going to have another Brad Womack on our hands (he kept DeAnna Pappas around as his last girl, flew her father in to ask his permission to marry his daughter, and then told DeAnna at the finale that he couldn’t choose her. He left the show empty handed and earned a ton of criticism from Bachelor fans).
I have to say, that for someone who declares that he’s in love with three women, Jake did not seem too torn up about saying no to Ali's return or deciding which of the 3 women remaining should go. There were no real tears and no heaving over a railing. Jake claims in his blog today that Gia was not the obvious choice for him to send home last week had Ali stayed. And yet he does not seem to be too upset to say goodbye to Gia. Gia, on the other hand, handled the whole thing in an extremely classy way. She didn’t bash Vienna or Tenley, didn’t act confused, just wished him the best and says that she is actually happy for him. She also goes so far as to admit that the two girls left are wonderful. Talk about sportsmanship! She should take a plane directly to San Fran so her and Ali can cry together.
So for the record, both Tenley and Vienna have told Jake that they are in love with him. Ali admitted it last week as she cried it into his chest before leaving. Gia wanted to hear it, but we didn’t see her say it out loud - but then she says it on the video message. How on earth did Jake get these women to fall so hard for him?? Those video messages are ridiculous – they need to get rid of them. Tenley sees babies with him (she stole this babies line from Trista when she said it to Ryan at the finale). The Fiance thought Gia’s video message could have turned into an adult film. I can see that. She does manage to tell Jake that she is falling in love with him. These video messages totally stressed me out. What a big decision he has in front of him!
So next week is the Women Tell All and they are bringing back the crazies. I can’t wait to see Michelle. I really have missed her. I am also interested in the Rozlyn confrontation – can’t believe she agreed to be back on the show. It also looks like the finale will be pretty interesting. I’m still doubting whether Jake chooses anyone at all.
What do you think? Do you have any topics you want us to discuss? We are getting ready for our podcast and need your help. Is there any chance he ends up by himself? Is Ali really gone? Are you going to bust out your white lingerie in honor of Vienna? Does anyone know how to get really white teeth, really quickly? Has anyone found me a good rehearsal dinner dress online?
Looking forward to your responses.
-Stacey B
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