After tennis was over, my family, including my sister’s in-laws, sat around a pool discussing why this season of The Bachelorette was so horrible. The conclusion was easy: take a semi-likeable Bachelorette, throw in the biggest player of a bachelor in the show’s history, make the audience privy to said Player’s antics and then watch as The Bachelorette not only falls in love with the Player, but then pines for him week after week after he drops out while semi-interesting Bachelors stick around in the hopes of wooing her. But Big Bad Bentley is gone now and I’m happy to report that for the first time this season, we didn’t hear his name once during an episode. Hallelujah!
We’re down to the final 6 (still seems like this is the slowest season in Bach history, although at least we get to the hometown dates next week which are always somewhat intriguing to see where these guys come from). I’m still not sure what Constantine is doing amongst this group as he seems less than thrilled to be around Ashley, but good for him for getting all the way to Taipei! One of the quickest and most telling Constantine scenes was at the very end of the show – Constantine was holding the dream lantern and the two of them decide to sit on a bench. Constantine puts the lantern in a clump next to Ashley and Ashley says, “Is that what you think of our love?” Instead of smiling or laughing or making some sort of funny remark, Constantine gets a bit defensive and just says, “No. Not at all…” Their chemistry is non-existent, although watching those wish lanterns take off was one of the most romantic and interesting set ups for a date this season. Last night was still pretty boring, so without further ado, let’s cut into my favorite and least favorite parts of last night’s show.
Favorite:
- The Lantern festival in Ping Shi village, Taiwan. What a great tradition and how beautiful the sky looked with everyone’s wishes going up in the air together!
- Watching Ryan P almost have a heart attack waiting for the date cards to arrive. This guy is so awkward, I can almost feel the clamminess in his hands as he waits to hear whether his name is on the group date card. Later, when he declares that Ashley will save the best for last (him), someone needs to just smack him. When Ashley dumps him before the end of their date, you can almost see the joy bubble just completely burst before his eyes. He had absolutely no idea that she wasn’t remotely interested. “You don’t want to meet my family?” he asks sadly. Ouch. That was one of the most painful breakups to watch simply because Ryan was so sure he had it in the bag. Once he started lecturing on tankless water heaters, I knew this was over. Poor guy was just trying to find an environmentally friendly lady and you can tell Ashley is not listening to a word he's saying, she's just trying to figure out how to kindly give him the boot.
- Ben F. I have to admit, I got sucked into the Ben F love affair unfolding before our eyes as we took a moped trip with him. He seems like a very genuine guy who any girl could easily fall for. What woman wouldn’t want a life of living on a vineyard and putting Ben’s hair into little braids to match the hair of their shaggy wine country children? Finally, we see glimpses of Ben being likeable enough on a wide scale to potentially be the next Bachelor. There is so clearly a big gap between Ben/JP and the rest of these guys. They should just send everyone else home but Ben and JP so we can fast forward to the finals already. As if Ames, Lucas, Ryan or Constantine’s chemistry with Ashley is remotely in the same universe as with Ben and JP.
- I loved that after Ashley gave JP the rose on the group date, Ames congratulated JP. He really felt the need to congratulate his competition on getting chosen by the woman he hopes to marry? I can understand if JP beat him in a ping pong match than a congratulations might be in order, but for winning Ashley’s attention and rose during a wedding photo date?
- Seeing JP getting so pissed about Ashley going out on other dates, kissing other guys in front of him and watching him get furious when Ben doesn’t come home from his date until the next morning. I’m not sure if JP is acting or what, but at least there’s finally some passion in this show. He’s the first guy that seems to actually care about Ashley and be in it to win it (as Randy on Idol would say). I think if you gave Constantine the choice between a really good slice a pizza and Ashley, he’d take the pizza. Ames would congratulate JP on falling in love. Ben is the only other one who seems remotely on the same level of interest with JP. Except for maybe Ryan. Poor Ryan!
- Ben admits to getting “butterflies” with Ashley. Holy cow! The last person who mentioned butterflies was Molly Malaney on Jason Mesnick’s season. This is serious stuff. Ashley admits that Ben “feels like her boyfriend.”
- This was the week of backless shirts for Ashley. I actually liked her wardrobe a lot this week, although I have no idea how she walked around Taiwan in some of those high heeled shoes! Her rose ceremony dress was a pretty color for her and I liked the way the long flowey material hugged her small frame.
- Ashley and Ryan P go through a temple during their date and watch the local people pray and say their chants. I thought this was a very interesting, cultural date. Then The Husband says, “Maybe she shouldn’t dress like a whore in a religious area.” Excellent point.
- When Ryan tries to explain to Ashley what Tai Chi is all about, Ashley kind of nods and bites her lip. First, I wonder if Ryan is making his Tai Chi interpretation up, or whether he actually knows that this information is accurate. Second, I’m praying that this will become a flash mob just to confuse the hell out of Ryan. Third – it is so palpable how uninterested Ashley is in Ryan and I’m just wondering how and when she’s going to drop the bomb on him because going to meet his family is almost as appealing as hearing the word Bentley again.
- Watching JP transform into a different person once he got the date rose. He’s even trying to console his fellow Bachelor contestants when Ash calls off the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. Hilarious.
- Ashley announcing on her date with Constantine that “There’s something about a train ride that’s just so romantic.” Really, Ashley? How about coming on Metro North with me? You’d find the guy sleep drooling next to me extremely erotic and how about the morning breath that’s being pumped diagonally into my right nostril, which would seem impossible, but for the deep lungs of its source? Ah, there’s nothing more romantic than Metro North.
- Only more annoying than Ashley concluding that train rides are sexy is her asking Constantine, “Are you looking for love on this trip?” Is that a rhetorical question? What is he possibly supposed to say to that other than, “Of course!” If he said, “No, actually, I’m looking for a good bathroom on this train,” would he have gotten kicked out? Stupid question.
- Ashley concluding that because Constantine was “taking the lantern thing so seriously” that they could “have a future together.” Can someone explain to me how these relate to each other?
- Ashley stating that Constantine is “easy to look at.” Maybe it’s just me, but Ben F. is pretty much my limit at shaggy dog cute being attractive. Once you go Constantine, that’s just a little too much shag for me. I think she must like his height, since she has this need to feel protected and nurtured.
- The wedding photo date had to be up there in top worst dates in Bachelor history. This was dumber than the soap opera dates they always do. Lamer than taking William to Vegas and looking at wedding vendors (although not much lamer). And almost as stupid as the Thai Boxing date, but at least not as dangerous which is why I wouldn’t say it’s the worst date of the season. Just the stupidest. Seeing Ames in that ridiculous tux – I’m not sure I can ever see him as a normal human again. Same goes for Lucas in his traditional Taiwanese marriage garb. I think Ashley just wanted to see what JP would look like in a traditional tux, even if the bow tie was 30 times the size of a normal one. As The Husband said, “Is there really nothing else to do in Taiwan besides do an indoor wedding photoshoot?”
- Ames’s red pants worn during the group date.
- All of the crying after Ashley’s decisions. She cried after dumping Ryan and Lucas. She’s not sure if she’s made the right decisions. She doesn’t know if she’s cut out for this role. The familiar insecurities are out in full force again. STOP! I just want to fast forward when she acts like this. Hearing Ashley say that she didn’t realize there’d be this much pressure is just a little unbelievable, not to mention – irritating!
- Watching Ryan saunter around after getting dumped, crying and cursing in the bushes. Hearing him sigh and talk about wanting to love someone unconditionally and make babies. I did feel bad for him because he’s not a mean person. He’s just a little over the top and got excited about the prospect of falling in love. There are far worse people in the world.
Ahhh- so then we finally get to the point we’ve all been waiting for all season: the Emily Maynard interview. Watching Emily get choked up from simply walking out of the limo was very revealing. It instantly showed that she is still in an emotional state about Brad and probably not ready to move on to being The Bachelorette. Besides her beauty, however, I'm not sure that we'd get quite the bite that a Bachelorette needs to carry this show and make people want to tune in week after week. What would Emily have done on a date with Ryan P like we saw last night? Would Emily have the heart and ferocity to give the guy the boot when needed? I'm not entirely convinced that we've seen the last of BrEmily. Why Brad can't just take a work hiatus (he seemed to manage quite nicely in taking several months off to film Bachelor) and move to Charlotte for a little to make it work, is confusing and an unanswered question for me. But perhaps long distance was only part of the problem. The filming of the actual interview was quite cheesy. Making her go back to the mansion and pulling up in a limo just as she arrived to meet Brad. Was that really necessary? And then we see Chris out front explaining (from two different camera angles) what is going on. I think it was quite blatant that ABC was struggling to dig themselves out of the hole that Ashley has left on this season. There really wasn't any remotely more interesting footage of Ashley's dates or of Taiwan that could have been used here? Have you ever heard of a season being interrupted to bring back a former contestant for an interview? New lows for this franchise. I just hope they can learn from their mistakes and move on.
So what did we learn from the interview that we didn't already know from the tabloids? Nothing. Brad and Emily are not engaged anymore. She'll always be in love with Brad and wishes things could be different. They were both used to being single (aka: she wasn't sure Brad wouldn't cheat on her or remain interested in her for the long haul). Little red flags came up (aka: she probably saw text messages coming in from ex girlfriends). This is her worst nightmare. Love isn't enough. She's disappointed and it feels like a failure. YIKES.
So what have learned from this, ABC?
1. Don't pick a Bachelor or Bachelorette unless you are sure they can carry the entire season without the viewers wanting to see someone else.
2. Don't make the highlight of the season the promise of an interview with a past contestant only to deliver an uninteresting interview.
3. If you want viewers to support The Bachelor / Bachelorette, don't show us clips of contestants bashing them and making them look stupid, because we will probably agree.
4. Don't pick a Bachelorette that 95% of people watching find annoying, insecure and someone that we ourselves wouldn't want to date or be like.
Til hometown dates. Perhaps if the season isn't that interesting, the families of the contestants may be. Stay cool out there!
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