Ty and Chelsie came next with the Argentine Tango. Chelsie is certainly the hottest professional dancer left. As for Jewel, I'm starting to think that Ty should leave her for Chelsie. Based on Jewel's alleged comment to Melissa - "Compete or go home," from last week, I have lost a great amount of respect for her. Come on, Jewel, weren't you the person who dropped out of the entire show because you were injured? Whatever, maybe she was misinterpreted, or maybe she's just envious that her boyfriend is finally outshining her and he's dancing with a younger, hotter version of herself. Who knows. Ty's performance was a bit stiff tonight. I think he could be in trouble if his country fans don't dig him out. "You won't let anybody down with your strength and determination. It was like watching a Power Ranger," said Bruno.
Next come Derek and Lil' Kim, otherwise known as Tom and Jerry, the Blonde Ballerina and the short Janet Jackson wannabe dancing the Waltz. Lil' Kim's dress looked like a 89 year old's wall paper in her southern Flordian's apartment. Completely hideous. I am so ready for her to go. Her orange eye shadow is extra freaky against her colored contact lenses. "You're more comfortable being a tramp...I didn't mean it in that way." I agree, Bruno.
Gilles and Cheryl are next - dancing the Foxtrot to "Fever" which is quite appropriate given the current swing flu epidemic. There is no way Gilles's wife can enjoy watching this performance. Cheryl practically makes out with him during every single one of these passionate dances. Since she choreographs the dances, you wonder if she's trying to stir up some trouble. Hmmmm. "For me, the performance was absolutely in a class of its own," says Bruno.
Melissa and Tony are last for round one of tonight with the Viennese Waltz. Melissa's outfit makes her look like an exotic white bird ballerina. She definitely has the best flexibility of any of the contestants - I have no idea how she gets her kicks up so high - and she gets to show off her ballerina moves. Melissa's fluidity in her movement is complimented by the judges, but they bash her from the ankles down.
The Latin dancers in blue performance was kind entertaining, but unnecessary. I'd rather see the Stars do something. They're wasting my valuable DVR time. BTW, my DVR is stuck when trying to fast forward through commercials - so this is the longest DWTS I've ever had to watch. The Boyfriend is in the living room screaming at the TV - the Caps won their second game against Pittsburgh tonight and I highly doubt he's screaming about Melissa's leg kicks.
Shawn and Mark are up again with the Paso Doble. Shawn had a hard time practicing her "Olympic face," but she did a great job. "Girlfriend, you delivered! You nailed it! That was fantastic." Her solo was incredible. Just shows how talented she is. "For me, it wasn't overexciting," said Len. He is so sour. "You've shown us tonight, that you've got the killer instinct. You were like a guided missile," says Bruno. Where does Bruno come up with these expressions? Does he write them down and use them as applicable? Scores were: 10, 9 and 10...their best scores yet. Great job! In the background, as Shawn and Mark are waiting for their scores, I see stupid Derek in a sparkly apricot shirt making faces at the camera - he needs to get smacked.
We get a Rumba from Ty and Chelsie. I love when Chelsie gives him a pep talk in rehearsal. It's like a 6 year old telling her dad what to do, but a cute 6 year old. I think if the dancing thing doesn't work out for Ty, he can be a voiceover for the dad on King of the Hill. Their dance is fine, until his solo comes up. Ty, yikes, the best part of your dance is when you tried to seduce your wife. Although - I think that single handedly might be his downfall. Yikes. Not into that. Ty is a nice guy, but he's no dancer. Please let's end the misery. Actually, I'd prefer it if Lil Kim could go first. Simply because I can't stand her. Scores for Ty: 7, 7, 7. Not looking good. Again, Derek is sneezing and blinking in the background. He really needs to get slapped.
BTW, there are some awesome promos for The Bachelorette with Jillian!!! That's one benefit of being forced to watch commercials. One thing Jills says: "I don't give a crap what a guy puts on his hot dog, as long as he loves me." Looks like she's got the usual bunch of variety in men to choose from. Go Jillian!! There's one funny scene of her dancing in her underwear and running through her house. She might be the coolest bachelorette yet.
Lil' Kim and Derek are doing the Salsa. She loves doing splits and dancing like a minx. One of her earrings went flying off in the middle of the routine and I was hoping that Derek would slip on it. Then there was a part where Derek was swinging his leg over Lil' Kim's face and I was hoping he would accidentally kick her. Is that mean? Maybe it would pop out one of her colored eye contact lenses. Carrie Ann thinks her solo performance got a little out of control. Strike her down! Scores: 9, 9, 9. Oh no, that's too bad.
Gilles and Cheryl are up again with The Rumba. From the practices it looks like Cheryl made Gilles do some extra sultry moves for her viewing pleasure. The real performance kicks in with Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing. Come on - did you really need to be so blatant with that song? Cheryl is dressed in a blue sequined bikini with a sheer sarong draped over her shoulder. This was just a little too in your face for me. Not sure the song goes with the dancing. The whole rolling around on the dance floor in front of his wife - just not sure it can still be dignified as classy. "Over the top" was one of the phrases used to describe the performance. Len, like me, didn't like the rolling across the floor. "After that you need penicillin. It was a bit uneven by your usual standards, but it was still pretty good," says Bruno. Again, Derek is listening as the scores are about to get announced and kind of rolling his eyes at Gilles's comments. What a douche - please kick him in the head, someone!! Scores: 9, 9 and 9.
Melissa and Tony are up with the Samba. Is it me, or does this look like the same dance as when she came out looking like a lion? She's shaking and doing the ballerina thing all over again. Also her facial pouts and fake smiles are starting to get annoying. I'm maybe getting ready for her 15 minutes to fade out. Her left boob was kind of popping out of its shell and for a moment I thought we were going to have a wardrobe malfunction. I think she kind of realized it at the end when she screamed. Maybe that will be all she needed to do. "Your samba has everything anybody could possible want...and more" (yeah, like partial boob spillage).
Once again Prince apricot sparkly peach knows the camera is on him and he's smiling like an evil prince in the background as we await Melissa's scores. Scores: 10, 10 and 10 - PERFECT 30!! I think this launches them into first place. Melissa is so super skinny.
So that's it for this week. Time to vote. Gotta go.
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