Episode 3: The Claws Are Out, The Crazies are Gone

It is when I watch an episode like last night's The Bachelor that I can honestly say that I am embarrassed to be part of the female species.

Chris Harrison said in his blog last week that last night’s episode would be the most thrilling yet. I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chris. It was one of the most painful episodes to watch – not just because every single woman on the show bothered me at one point, but because it showed just how mean and annoying these women were capable of being. If an alien came down to earth and judged women’s interactions based purely on last night’s episode, every last female on earth would be obliterated. On the bright side, I thought Jake handled himself really well last night, dealing with the Crazies. The Crazies being, Michelle and Elizabeth. More on them later.

Let’s take this chronologically. Vienna’s date with Jake was kind of confusing. He’s a pilot that’s scared of heights (is that physically possible?) and she also happens to be scared of heights. Did anyone else think she may have faked this fear to appear more vulnerable to Jake, and therefore more attractive? If I was taken up in a helicopter for the first time and then strapped to Jake about to jump off a bride AND I had a fear of heights, I would not have been as calm as Vienna. Yes, she claims that she freaked out and was crying, but truthfully, she was as peaceful as a dream compared to Jake. I thought he was going to have a mental break down and either a) throw up off the bridge or b) start crying over the bridge like he did in Jillian’s season. I do want to thank ABC for NOT playing On the Wings of Love while they were flying over California. You know they are saving it up for next week. Totally off topic, The Fiance and I were at JFK airport on Saturday morning this past weekend at around 7 AM and while I was waiting for my Starbucks coffee, that stupid song came on. Then it got stuck in my head all day long as I was boarding the plane, and yes, even as we were gliding above the clouds, it did seem appropriate to hum it. But enough!

Jake found Vienna to be very “nurturing.” I found her to be very similar to how Jake describes his mother. He’s definitely looking for someone to cradle him at night and tell him how hot his abs are on a regular basis, all while gazing into his eyes. And probably someone who has nice teeth, because Vienna has some of the nicest teeth I have seen on this show in a while. If we had just seen their date together, however, and did not see the rest of the episode, one might think that she is this outgoing, bubbly, spunky girl with tons of potential. The ladies, however, seem to have a serious opposition to her, saying that Vienna bad mouths the others, talks way too much about her date, etc. Yes, I think a lot of this trash talk from the ladies is jealousy and alcohol (not necessarily in that order), but I guess we’ll have to see what happens. The most annoying part that I found in Vienna was how her voice got 10 octaves higher after she kissed Jake mid-air and she talks about it to the camera. In her new soft voice, she says that this was the best day of life, oh wait no, it will be when she marries Jake. Wow, so after one date, she’s ready to marry the guy. Not a bad day’s work for the Pilot.

The Fiance wondered how they didn’t smack heads as they were jumping off the bridge and dangling in mid-air. I also didn’t like that Vienna was telling Ella how wonderful Ella’s date would be, because Jake would give Ella all of his attention and focus, etc. like Vienna is some sort of archaeological expert on the history of Jake’s hidden biological behaviors. It was pompous and unnecessary, though I don’t think Vienna did it out of spite; she is after all on “Cloud Jake.” The crying is a story in and of itself. If they played a highlight reel of all the crying in the house last night (every single girl cried), Vienna’s portion would include a) when she found out she got the one on one date; b) when she was fake “freaking out” about bungee jumping; c) when Jake came over with the rose on their date and gave it to her (he didn’t propose, Vienna, he just decided he likes your teeth, hair and nurturing ways); and d) when the girls do not accept her apology for bad mouthing them. Enough with the crying already. These women are staying in a mansion, with unlimited food, a gorgeous pool, competing for love. What on earth is there to cry about? We need some stronger women on this show!!

I truly felt that Vienna was making an effort to make peace with the ladies in the house when she gave that “I’m sorry I offended you” speech, especially when Formerly Sweet Ali (FSA) did not accept her apology and went on to berate her.

Let’s talk about Ali. I don’t want to say she did a complete 180, but that girl is definitely not as sweet and innocent as I thought last week. What happened to her cute yellow dresses and down to earth, relaxed personality? She had some of the nastiest comments last night, mostly about Vienna, but it was like some venom invaded her blood stream. I definitely had flashbacks of last season when Jake tried so desperately to recapture the magic he felt with Jillian on their first date, EVERY single time he saw Jillian after that and it never quite came back. Ali is moping around for the majority of the episode (except when she’s with Jake, in which case she lights up like a lightning bug), annoyed that she hasn’t gotten alone time with Jake despite their incredible first date (everyone is supposed to feel bad for her?!). What I don’t get about Ali is that she is extremely upset that Jake is going out on other one-on-one dates. She said at one point that she felt betrayed. How is this possible? Has she not seen the show before? Does she not know that the other girls she is living with are also competing for Jake or does she think that they are her sorority friends? It’s baffling how angry she gets. She also sticks it to Vienna multiple times throughout the show, including directly to Jake. You know a woman is in trouble if she has to bad mouth the other girls to the Bachelor. Let him figure it out for himself, Ali. Unless of course, she feels so insecure that her standing as the leading lady in the house is threatened, in which case, go ahead and attack (which she did). Ali also mentioned that she wasn’t upset that Jake went out with another girl solo (a lie), but that he chose Vienna to do this with AND that she came back with a rose. I think Ali peaked last week. In fact, if we could measure the progress of these ladies on a chart like the stock market, Ali would have a sharp decline following the spike last week.

Next was the group date to a Comedy Club. This had the potential to be one of the worst group dates in the history of the show. First, because Jake is not really the funny type. Second, because how on earth do you put these girls on a stage and expect them to perform when their primary talent stems from their appearance? Especially with no experience and no significant time to prepare? I have to say that given these circumstances, on the whole, the women were quite poised and even had a couple of funny things to say. Jessie was great, although we saw very little of her before and after her brief performance. Does she speak? I found Corrie’s imitation of each of the girls in the house to be quite mean. Sure, making fun of your competition may make you feel better about yourself, but how is it amusing to an audience that doesn’t know them? And if you’re going to do it, make sure the people you are talking about are actually present and can defend themselves, otherwise it’s just plain mean. Ali commended Corrie’s performance later, which again shows a bit more of a catty/negative side to Ali.

Alright so I can’t not write about her any longer. Let’s discuss Michelle. Is she not the BEST competitor we have ever seen on this show? Surely there is nobody more entertaining. First off, her facial expression when 1) she found out she didn’t get the one on one and 2) that she was forced to be part of the group date was priceless. I loved Michelle’s self-descriptions of how attractive she is, how much she wants a husband, how much her mother wants grandchildren, how she whines about this throughout the show constantly to anyone who comes within 10 feet of her. I found it quite sad, actually, because she has no idea what a desperate lunatic she sounds like. I hope someone sits her down after this show and finds her help. ABC should be responsible for picking up the pieces – maybe they can throw in a year of free therapy as a parting gift??

Michelle gets credit for some of the best lines of the season on last night’s show. The best one is when she describes how kissing Jake for the first time will be: “When I finally kiss Jake it will definitely be long and passionate , soft …crazy tongue in your mouth…going crazy with it…pulling hair or whatever ya know ripping the clothes off.” That is an exact quote. Almost as good as that description, is her stand-up routine. Nobody had any idea what she was talking about…no coconuts on the trees? What?! She’s waiting for the hole to get the one on one? If that didn’t send Jake running, not sure what will. Probably the highlight of the night is when Michelle finally gets her alone time with Jake. Their interaction was nothing short of a masterpiece. I couldn’t have scripted better dialogue.

Michelle to Jake: “I’m not over emotional or dramatic or anything like that. I’m honestly here for love. 100%. I honestly believe that I am the only one here for love. I truly want a husband.”

Jake: “I believe you.”

(I lost it at this point. Priceless). Jake handles her really well.
Michelle asks if she could kiss Jake. She then attacks his lips. They kiss briefly (and for some reason, every single girl watches from what looks like to be 5 feet away) and then he pulls away. Michelle says she wants something more than that. She is not satisfied with a peck. She wants hair pulling and probably to have her clothes ripped off in front of the other girls. When she doesn’t see this behavior from Jake, she’s outtie. Jake says, “I think it would be better if you did leave.” Good for Jake!! This is the first time in Bachelor history where a Bachelor has actually asked a girl to go before the rose ceremony (besides when there are two on one dates and 1 girl stays and one goes or if there’s a one on one and the Bach/Bachelorette decides to keep the rose). Actually, I am wondering why this hasn’t happened more often? You’ve got to think that if the Bachelor was on a group date, there must be at least one person who annoyed him/her or at least showed enough of himself/herself to eliminate him/her from being The One. Jake was very mature about this situation. He obviously realized that Michelle was part of the Crazy pack and took care of the situation. Might we see Michelle again? Will she be waiting for Jake in his bedroom when he gets home? I hope ABC has good security. Again, we didn’t see Michelle’s limo ride out of there. I’m sure that would have been entertaining.

Ashleigh’s crying at the comedy club date was a bit lame. Why do all of these girls cry when a little bit of a challenge is presented to them? It’s annoying. Kathryn’s on stage performance was clever. If you can’t be funny, at least force the Bachelor to make out with you. Smart. Tenley’s acrobatics were strange, yet I’m sure Jake found them appealing.

Speaking of Tenley, her confession to Jake was interesting. I’m sure Jake has been cheated on as well, and they are going to bond about that. Ten was pretty pissed that she didn’t get the rose on the group date after pouring her heart out. So Tenley is kind of like the house virgin (she’s only done it with her husband who cheated on her and left her). That’s pretty awful. They seem to have some good chemistry between them.

Ok, it’s Nanny Time. Again, I was very impressed with how Jake handled her. Elizabeth’s jokes on stage were completely nasty and at contrast with her “don’t kiss me until I’m the girl you want” declarations. I liked that Jake discussed this with her – saying that if it was for spiritual purposes, that’s fine. But that it didn’t seem like that was the case (correct). She teases him. I don’t even think Nanny knows she’s playing games. She wants him to work for things, but she is “dangling the kiss” in front of him. I agree with Jake that needs to figure herself out a bit more. And yes, she can get a date any night of the week (as she so modestly declares), but if she’s using the no-kiss strategy to get some control over the situation (a very accurate assessment by Jake), it’s not working. I was glad to see her go. I bet she is not rejected too often.

I am also confused about Gia. They replayed the clip of her conversation with Vienna and the whole, “YOU are calling ME out?” Gia says to her about 20 times. Vienna declares everyone in the house fake. I think the audience is missing something here. All of the girls have a very strong opinion about Vienna, but I just don’t see why. We don’t see Vienna bad mouthing the other girls. (Vienna refers to this as “being honest.”) Are we missing something? Is ABC editing this so we see Vienna as a victim to all the cattiness going on? It’s confusing. Gia even goes so far as to call Vienna “dangerous.” Annoying? Maybe. Going on about her date with Jake would definitely get annoying, however, that’s not a reason for every single member of the house to gang up on her. I’d like to see the B roll, please. What are we not seeing about Vienna?

Let’s discuss Ella’s date. Ella claims she is shocked that her son Ethan showed up at SeaWorld on her date. How is she shocked? Didn’t she watch Jason’s season of the Bachelor? Doesn’t she know that she is this season’s Stephanie? Another helicopter ride and lovey dovey Bachelor theme song music later, and there they are in SeaWorld when Ethan comes running out. Because it’s normal to introduce your son to a guy on your first date. It’s also normal to be able to visualize your date as your son’s father during the first date AND it’s completely normal to tell your date that you could definitely see yourself getting engaged to him. OH NO. What is wrong with these people? You’ve now been with each other for a few hours and you’re already throwing out words like “father” and “engagement?” This has disaster written all over it. Does anyone else think that Ella seems a lot older than Jake? Maybe it’s her accent, her maturity, or how she dresses, but I find Ella to be very motherly (I guess this is because she’s a mom). No wonder Jake is smitten. He loves the nurturing momma types. On the upside, Ella seems the most mature of the women there. She doesn’t join the anti-Vienna campaign that Ali is heading up.

The rose ceremony party was quite typical. Jake pulling up on his motorcycle (totally unnecessary to show that footage). Elizabeth asking Jake if he’s good at backrubs (Jake calls her the “Queen of Mixed Signals” – which I have decided is a much better occupation than “Nanny.”). Then Vienna comes in and breaks up their initial conversation, leaving Elizabeth in tears. She knows she’s done. As soon as Vienna comes out from her alone time with Jake, the girls attack her. “Did you interrupt Elizabeth’s alone time with Jake?!!” they demand of Vienna. Isn’t that the point? Don’t all of them interrupt each other’s alone time with Jake??

These women are CRAZY.

Roses go to: Gia, Corrie, Tenley, Ali, Jessie, Kathryn, and Ashleigh. Vienna and Ella already got theirs. Elizabeth thinks that she should have kissed him. Wrong. She’s just insane. She mentions to the camera, with tears, that she thought that Jake and her “were advancing as a couple.” Really? How so? She was thinking of newer, more inventive ways to suggest that Jake should want to kiss her but then really not kiss him? Valishia doesn’t seem too upset, but ends up crying in her camera interview, saying she’s used to things no going her way and other “woe is me” type things. Corrie looks absolutely miserable to be there (check out her facial expressions throughout the night.) Maybe she’s just bored to tears.

Overall, besides the Crazies being Crazy, this was a pretty vanilla episode. I don’t understand why the girls despise Vienna except if they are jealous which makes them petty. Besides Michelle’s insane comments that her family needs her to have babies and the Nanny’s crazy talk to Jake about their kissing problem, the most interesting thing on last night’s episode was how Jake handled the Crazies. It shows that he can take action to go outside the normal boundaries by suggesting to Michelle that she leave (go Jake!) and he has an intuitive sense of what a confused/manipulative type person the Nanny appears to be.

Next week appears to be more interesting – road trip. Gia looks like she’s getting some alone time but Ali and Tenley might be too much for Vienna to take. We’ll see what other exciting things ABC throws in (perhaps some footage of Michelle at her first counseling session??)

BTW, yes, I’ve heard the rumors about one of the girls being pregnant and a certain someone’s prediction of who is the ultimate “winner.” This blog will not reveal such information because I think the beauty of this show is not who “wins” or what rumors are actually true, it’s the entertainment of all the insanity that goes on in getting to the winner. Why ruin all the fun?

I am off to the airport, UK-bound. Hopefully, I can figure out how to use the wifi over there and can read your thoughts. Overall, I give this episode a B. Not higher because nothing much really happened besides terrible cattiness, but not lower because I loved the Michelle/Nanny scenes with Jake and his reaction to both of them. What did you think??